Ace, Actually

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I plan to continually update this post. The internet has much to say about asexuality and aromanticism, especially compared to what was available 20 years ago. I don’t pretend to know everything about it. I’m here to share to my lived experience as an asexual (also referred to as ace) and aromantic (also referred to as aro) cis woman, and I guarantee it’s not the same as any other aro/ace cis woman. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, so this post is to give a broader view on the topic and collect resources from across the internet for those curious, questioning, or frustrated that my blog is not accurately representing their experience as an ace, aro, or aro-ace individual.

If you’d like to get to know me a little better, I’m going to add a link to my brief bio.

Some Definitions

If you don’t need a refresher on the lingo, feel free to skip this part. I’m using definitions compiled from the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and Wikipedia.

Asexual

An asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction or the desire to act upon sexual attraction. This does not mean asexual people can’t have sex (due to physical or psychological factors) or that they simply abstain (celibacy).

The prefix a, if you recall from school, means “not” or “without.” Just don’t make the mistake of associating asexual people with asexual reproduction, something you also learned in school. Asexuals are not amoebas, and you are never the first one to think of the very clever joke.

In fact, some asexual people have sex. If you’re thinking, “doesn’t that make them sexual?” you’d be wrong. Consider the last time you went to a restaurant you didn’t like because a friend was dying to go there or to the latest Marvel movie with your nerdy brother even though they bore you to tears. People make so many decisions based on criteria other than, “because I really want to do this thing.”

Asexuals who have sex do so for a variety of reasons, so this isn’t an exhaustive list. An asexual may have sex to:

• Connect with a partner
• Have children
• Enjoy the physical sensations
• Alleviate boredom
• See what all the fuss is about

In my experience: When I say the word asexual aloud, it sits funny in my mouth. Sometimes, the pause between the first syllable – a – and the second – sex – is too long. It demands a noun; a sexual what? A sexual situation? A sexual painting? Sometimes, it’s the last two syllables that trip me up. Ual sounds like you-wool. It’s clunky and have to resist the urge to work out the tension out of my jaw. It makes me itchy under the skin of my cheeks, behind my ears.
I prefer to call myself Ace. It’s a common shortening of the word, similar to replacing the full bisexuality with bi.

Graysexual

Demisexual

For a demisexual, sexual attraction is largely absent, except when they feel a strong emotional bond for the other person.

Though the social and psychological research about the asexuality spectrum is appalling sparse, I think a not-insignificant number of people who may consider themselves allosexual (see below) may actually identify with the term demisexual more. Some people choose to wait to have sex in a new relationship until they’ve formed a close bond with their partner. The reasons for this are varied, but one might be because one or both parties simply don’t feel sexual desire for someone they don’t know. This is just conjecture, really.

Allosexual

In order to avoid the use of the word “normal” (a terrible word to describe people), we call those who experience sexual attraction allosexual. Funnily enough, the prefix allo- can mean “different” or “other.” Though it’s likely tied to the idea that allosexuals experience sexual attraction to different or other people, it still feels like a low-key dig at what is “normal.”

Aromantic

If you’ve been following along, you’ll easily guess that aromantic individuals don’t experience romantic attraction. Below, I also mention Queer Platonic Relationships and their distinction from romantic relationships. Not all aromantic individuals seek out or participate in Queer Platonic Relationships, though.

Many aromantic individuals have very satisfying friendships and lose family relationships.

It took me years to wrap my head around the idea of romance. In fact, I still can’t quite understand it. I know it isn’t an exact parallel, but to understand my confusion, try to describe a color you’ve never seen, as my dear Michael does on The Good Place.

Tahani: By the way, uh, what’s your favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it’s not perceptible by human eyes. It’s called “pleurigloss.”
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It’s the color of… When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: Hmm. How about blue?

The Good Place by Michael Schur

Grayromantic

Information Resources

The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) is probably the most well-known website on the subject. I first found AVEN back when the website’s design was very early 2000s, and I’d have to wait an entire minute for each new page to load on my heavy laptop sitting battery-hot on my stomach in the dark of my bedroom. AVEN legitimized my otherness from “something is wrong with me” to “something is different about me.”